Beautiful Worlds

You know, I used to think that I'm always lucky. Well, in fact, I'm neither anything near lucky nor fortunate. I think we are told and made believe that we are, that's why we are. In another way to say it is that, we are being lied about fake stories that we are special, but we're the most worse thing ever happened to them. That's why they lied. Having us was a mistake that they simply hide it from us because they had told us something they didn't really thought about just completely through and thorough.

For example, when I was born, my Mum had a C section. It was a live and death thingy and that the doctor had advice mother to abort me when she was conceiving me a couple of months. She kept me anyway because she thought I was special and a miracle happened, both baby and mother survived. It seems like a happy story right? Well, right about now, I'm not much a happy person that I once was. I think God is just punishing me on earth before He decided to take me home to Him. Mother always told me that I'm lucky and that I should be happy about life. First of all, all I did since I can talk and think is to please everyone around me and to make them happy. What I don't realise is that I can please, make them happy and make them feel good about themselve all at once but then I was the one who had none. Up to this moment I'm writing this, I'm still a stupid person trying to live life when all I can feel is nothing near alive. Like a poor person had a really good meal today, then tomorrow, he or she has nothing to eat. Poor people like me, isn't gifted with smiles. So spare me one. I believe that the only time I will have a long smile is when I take my last sigh on earth and go home to God.

Truthfully I feel stupid, dumb and irritating. And being happy is just temporary. All bullshit! It only last for a minute then it'll be washed away. What's permanant is grief, sadness and depression. Yup, I think that's what God trying to tell me. When I feel happy, do get to excited about it. It may be last for a minute or two, or maybe a day if im lucky. The rest is crap. All for the devil to make jokes upon! I hate my life! FUCK YOU!

I’m depressed. I don’t feel like doing anything at all. I can’t smile, I can’t laugh, and I can’t stop crying at times. It’s difficult to feel better.

I don’t eat well. I spent most of my time sitting at home, in my room, alone thinking about stuff I don’t even know what. I even talk to myself. The other day, while I was on the way driving home alone, I caught myself talking to myself. I know it’s disturbing, but I can’t help it. Sometimes, I think I am crazy. I don’t know how to fix myself. Every night I’d sleep earlier than I used to because I feel tired after crying. Hence, my crying has now become my lullaby. Then I started to have nightmares, I can’t sleep properly. This depression has even triggered my temper. I am angry most of the time. I know people are annoyed and irritated with it. Shameful to confess, at times when I am stressful and sad, I hit myself just to release the pain I’m suffering.

I keep on wondering, why is this happening to me? Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I have a normal life like other people does? Why is God doing this to me?! I feel pain. I feel the intense grief. I just don’t think so I can go on like this. I don’t know how to make the pain to go away! I just want to be happy. I’m so sad. And nobody understands me.

Is it too much that I'm asking for?

I don’t understand why some people are so shallow. Guys go for hot chicks, girls who are fashionable or chicks with long legs. On the other hand, there are chicks that only go for guys with a loaded pocket, fancy car, fancy clothes and shits. I truly pity these stereotype people, but I don’t fully blame them though. Maybe, just maybe they haven’t noticed that life’s on earth is just temporary and that how this present materialistic tribe would damage our future offspring’s mind. Life has almost fucked us all. So how can we protect the virginity mind of our future leaders if we are being exposed and thought that being rich is everything? Personally, my life has a huge dent because of this mentality in my own family.

Nevertheless we all know that money makes the world goes round. With money, we are being put under a roof for protection. With money, we are stuffed with nutrients and good food for us to live a healthier life. With money, we are living in a convenience. But, not everything can be bought by money or gold. One thing we all know, true love is the sweetest thing we could taste in life. In this context, with true love I meant an honest and unconditional affection towards anyone you know. It might be between a mother and a daughter, or a lover. God had presented all of us this precious and beautiful thing called love. I’m sorry if I may sound offensive because I, myself have not much knowledge in neither religion nor am I religious in any way. But personally, I think God love us all and that’s exactly why He presented us this gift of love and feelings.

It doesn’t matter how we felt; loved, hurt or sad. I bet this is some part of how heaven feels like. Because I believe that after every rainy day, there will be sun light. Sure, I made some bad moves in my past. I blame myself though for my bad decisions; I do understand it’s because of my lack of cautiousness and I’ve a weak mind. Yes, I won’t deny it. I am mentally ill at times. It’s hard to live in a family who doesn’t really have the same mentality with mine. It’s like doing something you know isn’t what you want because you’d know it’s bad for you but they insisted that it’s the best. And that’s just one issue; I’ve a huge baggage of it. Heh.

Anyway, furthermore, I found the person who suits to whatever it is I was searching for a lifetime. But again, my family do not think so. They insisted that they know who I am rather than myself; which I strongly think is a total BULLARK! They don’t even know what’s my favourite food is. *Pfft*. So, back to the topic; I’ve been with this great guy for almost 8 months now. At first, we expected friendship from each other. But now, I believe I’ve found my better half. He just fits the picture perfectly, without a doubt. But since April, it’s been rough for us; though we’re still hanging onto each other. I feel sorry for us but at the same time, I feel fortunate enough that God is in our side. He still allows us to feel the same feeling towards each other; the same feeling I felt since the first time I gave him my heart.

You see, I’m here not to talk about a sad love story. I’m here to tell my story of love. No matter how sad you feel or how badly hurt you are, with having someone you feel loved, there’ll always be a moment you can spare your bliss. If you believe that the light will shine through, then it will. And if what you think and feel is the same, then it’s real. I believe what we are is real and it will definitely last for a lifetime.

You're so unfair. You want me only for yourself, you're own benefits. You don't even think or consider of neither what I like to do nor how I feel. All you think about it what you feel and think about, hence you command me to follow your orders. No pain is as bad as this broken heart. You lied to me, you used me and you made me believe that I meant everything to you. But now you said AKU MEMBERONTAK?!

Bad moon and icing rain

It is not appreciative

Though we are given shelter

Torso will not cool; temperature far too high.

She sweats in the sleeping bag as she writes and complains.

Mournful of her misfortune and the cat sleeps on her lap.

Sunday morning came cold

Icy rain beats the window pane then battered glass shatters.

I think tying the knots between two souls is one of the most beautiful things in life. Personally, I think it means you'll have someone's hand to hold when you're feeling sick, or even when you're old and wrinkly. It means when you sit down to eat, someone will be there with you so you won't have to tell your day to an empty chair. Just like our parents, you can have some kids and play with them all afternoon; except when they are bad. Then when you need some help, someone will help out. There will always be someone near to you, so you won't have to shout. But best of all is when it's time to turn out all the lights; you won't have to be alone in those long and scary nights. So even though you don't have toys, you don't have to care. Once you're married, you can be each other's teddy bear!

This morning after I went back from sending my brother to the airport, I had pre-packed my stuff for KL! this Saturday. So I cleared some of my unused stuff and put it in the store. I then, came across with my old notebook which I used it as my scrapbook for me to write stuff in my school days. You know useful stuff and crappy stuff. Well, mostly junks. Back then I wasn’t into the internet shits, so I haven’t really known the blogging thingy existed. *Pfft*

So, I’m gonna share this thing (I think it’s a speech thingy I did for something I really can’t remember). Let’s just consider this is the best thing I wrote in that old notebook. Of course, I had rewrite and corrected some of the grammars and etc. Hope you guys enjoy it! *cheers!*

Each of us on this earth has it; the ability to lead and inspire.

Sometimes, our work feels small and significant. But never doubt that even a small ripple can gain momentum and build a current that is overwhelming. To start, begin with one small step and make sure that you don’t let others stand in your way. Just keep on walking your own path. Sure, some may laugh. So what? Many will follow.

Success seems to be largely a matter of “hanging on” after others have let go. So don’t give up. Fears keep people small. Therefore, run towards your fears and embrace them. On the other side of your greatest fears lives your greatest life. Get out of the stands, get on the court and play the game of life.

In life, we must dare to take risks. If you leap, then a net will appear. Hence, be positive. What you think is what you become. Dream and DREAM BIG! Feet it, believe it and you will achieve it. Whatever your dreams are, go for it. Believe that you will inspire others.

Furthermore, learn to extend a hand, care and be kind. When someone does something good, applaud. You can make people happy, thus, you could be a positive role model to the young ones. Be the change you want to see in the world and make a difference. And now, I believe it is our turn, it is our time. 

I looked into the mirror and it's not me I see; an older woman looks back at me. I don't know where she came from and I don't know why she's there. I can’t see myself in the mirror anywhere. You see, this lady looks so sad. It makes me feel so bad. She looks like she is searching for the beauty she once had, her skin is not so perky and her hair has turned to gray. What happened to the young girl she knew just yesterday?

Her eyes well up with tears and some fall on her cheek. It’s then I feel so sad inside and my knees start weakening. But soon, I realize that the woman in the mirror keeps looking back at me. She’s not a total stranger you see. In reality, she is Me.