Beautiful Worlds
by Faye Kusairi30.12.09
Something I Get From You
Tell me how can I tell you?
That one day I will love you more than life itself.
Show me how can I show you,
That I am blinded by your light.
When you touch me, I can touch you back.
To find out that dream do come true,
I love to be loved by you.
Here Comes Your Man
I like the fact that you succeed to make me bounce back into your hub. I can't exactly expect nor think of what you see through your eyes. When you look at me, everything changes. How do you manage to look at me like you've never seen me before? How do you do it? I mean you'd look at me as if it is the first time you see at me. That's utterly krezi. You often amaze me. This mesmerizing feelings you put me through, I wanna stay in this for a bit. Soulfully, I've deep affections for you. I let time passes me by but at the same time, I am moving along with time as well. To me, with you everything's gonna be fine. I could fly high then you'll pull me down safely. You leave no room for disaster nor danger upon me. I wish I could do the same for you. You are my savior of sanity and reality. So please, keep me in ur hub. Let it be consistant. I'm giving you the privellege to drive me. Only you understand me, only you know my deepest darkess secret. Your my source of great energy, my vibe and my heart beat. You just made me feel untouchable in a sudden. I am yours to feel, I am yours to hold and I am yours to touch. So I must thank you, for making me feel alive. You're the best I've ever known. I guess when I say this, you already knew that out of my whole sincere heart, I love you deeply now.
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You & Faye
smile for me baby
29.12.09
Countless Annoying Quest
I remember the time when we first met.
I remember the first time we first chat. I remember the time we first texted.
I remembered it.
Do you remember the first time I texted?
Do you remember the first time you met me?
Do you remember the first time I kissed you?
Did you remember all these? Such intense questions typically asked.
Do I need these?
Do you think of me like I do towards you?
Do you even like me like how I liked you?
Do you care for me like how I care for you?
Do you have affections towards me like how I have one towards you?
Such boring life to have these questions for the opposite sex to utter.
Did you do all these?
Who am I to blame you for everything.
Who am I to blame myself in this.
Who am I to blame them to have a say in most things.
Who am I to think of what this is. It takes two person to make this work.
Well, it is working?
Have you been bad?
Have you been lying?
Have you been naughty?
Have you been unfaithful?
Have you been care-free?
And have you been mean?
Tried of asking.
Have you?
Do you know that I think of you before I sleep?
Do you know that I miss you every day?
Do you know that I've cried myself to sleep worried of you?
Do you know that I've great care for you?
Do you know that I love you?
But do you also know that I'm in bored weighting memories of you?
I'm starting to annoy you.
Did you knew all of these?
Countless questions I could ask after the day when we first met. Countless days passed and still questions kept on popping. Is this right?
Utter loudly, NO.
No needs. No worries.
28.12.09
Today, Tomorrow, This Year and Next Year.
Today
Today I had been thinking. My mind swirls around; making me feel numb. Everything around me seems floating and it went in slow motion. Thinking what will the new chapter of another new year bring? What 2010 will offer me? Would it be just another same old thing repeating? Would I be smarter? Would I be fooled? Would I be wooed? Would I be good? Bad? Sick? Well? Fine? Ok? I don't know. I scares me.
Tomorrow
My dad is leaving for Labuan. But he'll be back here by new year's eve. I've got an early day at the office tomorrow. I have to be there by 8.45am. Early shits. I gotta finish the files on my desk tomorrow, as usually, I'll be busy and others will be busy as well; busy talking shits. *pfft* Utter : Monday Blues!
2009
I had some resolutions made last year on new year's eve. I managed to succeed only some of it. I failed to succeed some resolution that I really wanted to accomplish. I guess I had to drag it to next year. This year had been good I guess. Shits happened. But the shits wasn't so bad after all. I realised my life is just coming together after it had been broken into pieces couple years ago. So now I can say that I'm merely cured. I managed to not fall on my face again nor bang my head on anything hard. Good job huh? Heh.
What else..? I met my long lost friend last week. That was great seeing him for almost 10 years didn't met. It's cool to know that he's doing good. He's still is cool & care-free. Same old Azfar.
What else? Owh! I spent two whole months in Miri. I heart Miri. I had a great time feeling home with my family and close friends. They're all still the same. Some are married, some are screwed, some are having commitments, developing careers but most of them are still puerile. Work hard, play hard I think. Same old shits going on. I wonder will they'll manage to make a leap in their life later; one day. But I guess, who am I to judge nor to say anything. It's their life. It's cool if they're cool with it. Different souls, differ sins, differ deeds and differ graves. So yeah, I can't say much, I'll stay and I'll observe. Then I'll learn better. But I do hope for the best for them. So, take care is the best thing I can say.
Moreover, along this year journey I discover a great comfort. This time it's different. After rain; in definite reason of an after rain. Fresh, liberating and very much calming. Hence, I learned alot since it happened. Cross my heart, this is what you should know, "I just love the way you are". He was everything I thought he'd never were. I met a place I thought I'd never be and he made me living in a world whereas all about us; a private emotion. Something I'd love to not forget, thus to not be in bore. I'd stick around, hell! I've been sticking around for the few months away. You can't imagine how grateful and amused I am when discovering all of these. It was so unnoticed. For once, I loved this surprise. Guess I, somehow do like surprises. But this ain't an ordinary surprise. An alien; why be typical if you can be different? I feel like stellar. Full and jubilant. Amorous.
2010
What will you offer me this time? Aside deeds, sins, obstacles and challenges. A new chapter is about to be opened. Residing the past experiences and to be applied of those lesson learned. Create changes in order to move from here to there and from there to somewhere. One step after another. Be good. Be wise. Be careful. And be respectful. This year, I'll learn to love myself. Again, how can you love someone if you could not love yourself? One person allows me to do so. So in this year also, I'll stick with 'you' as long as you want me to. Take care. Be ready to wave 2009 goodbye and Hello 2010.
Smile always!
27.12.09
Check Mate
I think I finally found my match. You have no idea how crazy it had been for me these past few years to have someone like you in my life. I guess you're the only person I feel fear and facing it. Usually I'll turn away and leave. Sure, I think it's true what you said. Why would you wanna be with someone that's the same as yourself? I now understand the reason why. I previously assumed that you might want a change but now I personally think that you are simply feel like wanting to learn to understand. Like in a way where you wanna learn about something. You are one smart guy. I honestly very, very impressed. I wish I could keep nor make you feel so welcome in my place so that you'll never leave. So, today I discover something out of the ordinary. I think that I am in deep of you. I can't say much. Because I just still can't figure out what's in your mind. I'm talking like a krezi person..(i know). *Pffft*
25.12.09
Warm Nails
Summer & Spring met co-incidentally. Autumn had passed and so will winter. They’ve been urbanised as one, unpredictably. Even though spring comes after summer, Summer came for Spring. Spring is at his usually, charming yet cunning. Summer is just summer. Both of them is a deep thinker which makes them in arduous of deeper conversations.
Just when Summer & Spring was hanging around together, Summer realised something. She was living a dream of reality. Summer kept her heart in austere and prays for great strength through her way. Spring is in her veins and God know, Summer would sell her soul for Spring to come. Summer took the courage and started to converse while wrapping in with Spring.
Summer: People say that one day you’ll wake up on a day, on that day when everything you loved and what you dream are gone. Just like that.
Spring: People get old. Things change, hence situation changes.
Summer: What I want is for this to last forever. But what I want is not what I see.
(Summer paused)
(Summer paused)
Summer: And what I see is what I’ll know. I know.
Spring: What I know, I know. What you know, I don’t. So tell me.
Summer: I can’t let you stay nor I can’t make you stay. Eventually, everything changes.
(Spring sighs and sat in silent while looking away)
Summer: One thing will never change is you’ll never be a stranger to me. You’ll always be someone to me.
Spring: Always?
Summer: (smiled) always.
Spring: I’m never gonna leave you.
Summer: What I know is what I see. What I feel is not what I want but what I feel is what I know.
Spring: Tell me please.
Summer: All I need is for you to know that I hope you’ll come back to me.
Spring: But why? I mean are you leaving? (Baffled)
Summer: Just know that no matter what, there’ll be someone’s here for you. I won’t be somebody or anybody for you, just someone to you.
Winter air will soon gone in existence. In couple of months, came along spring. And we'll see what spring have to offer. Life is like a box of chocolates. Various choices of chocolates and you can choose the ones that you like the most. For Summer, she personally likes the ones that's a heart shape bitter chocolate with a sweet centre. "You'll only know what flavour of the centre only after you tasted the bitter part of the chocolate".
24.12.09
Boy & Girl Story
This is a story about Boy & Girl.
Boy: You say you’ve seen too many things that turned out to be too good to be true.
Girl: Are you questioning my judgement?
Boy: You have better judgement.
Boy: Instead, you opened up your heart, until you found the joke was on you.
Girl: Just look out on the rest of our lives; if we’re going to be together or apart.
Boy sighs and thought to himself, “Yeah, about the only way I know how to come to you is right straight from my heart."
Girl: I want you now.
(Boy smiled)
Boy: I’ll show you how.
Girl: I know you can be the man I need you to be. (Touched) I’ve been around.
Girl smiled and thought to herself, “Now I’ve found that you’re the only one for me”.
Girl: I’ll never fall again.
Boy: I won’t let you to subject yourself to such pain.
Girl’s thinking; "If I give you half a chance, will you leave me standing out in the rain?".
Boy looked straight into Girl’s eyes with a smile and said
“If you think that I could look you in your face and lie right, just right through my teeth. Then turn around and walk away. Cross my heart, I’ll care for you. I would, will and do".
“If you think that I could look you in your face and lie right, just right through my teeth. Then turn around and walk away. Cross my heart, I’ll care for you. I would, will and do".
Girl: I need you. I’ll show you how.
Boy: I can be the man you need me to be. I’ve been around too. (smiled)
They knew can’t let go now.
Girl: I want you still. (blushed)
Boy: I always will
Girl: You’re the only one for me. You’re sick. You’re krezi.
Boy: I know, you too. (in such coolness)
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U t t e r L o v e & H a p p i n e s s
23.12.09
Happy Little Me.
I lied. I'm not happy. I feel unhappy. I'm bored. Stupid work place, I'm surrounded by hypocrites. I refuse to work like this. Well, actually I refuse to be in or around a society that kisses people's ass alot and then talks shit about them. Hell, if you think you're so much better than other go fuck a donkey then. Don't keep on talking and yanking some other people's mind on gossips and shits. That's just so lame. So typical malaysian. Utter dissapointment!
22.12.09
Cute Hippo & Long Hippo
There were these two hippos.
One is “Cute” and the other was named “Long”.
Mysterious icon, they liked each other very much even though others didn’t realise of their relationship existence.
Cute loves literature while Long is always enjoying his tasteful world. He loves her very much and likewise with her.
She has a quick temper but often he bullies her. Though, he is a gentleman and always gives in to her.
Today, she's being wilful again (just simply as usual).
Her: "Is it OK if we spend the weekend together?"
Him: "I don't have time that day."
Her: "Humph!"
Him: "Huh?"
Her: "Don't have time?"
He stared away, ignoring her.
Her: "Humph! I don't care; you'll have the time for me!"
Him: "No."
Her: "Just this once?"
Him: "No."
Negotiation's broken. So, she gave the final warning: "Give me a Yes within three days, or else..."
First day, she withheld all communications with him except texting him to show her benevolence. Of course, she has to show a care of him. He still didn't mind as he is always in his own cool world (Writer sigh).
Second day, she conducted a raid and hid in muse. She rejects his calls and ignoring his messages. In ignorance, she thought to herself: “Let’s see how far you’re patience go”. He's nervous now. That night, he begs for mercy, hoping that she'll end this state. She doesn't give a damn. No way am I giving in, whatever he says, until he agrees.
Third day night, on the bed he's laying on the bed, looking to one side. She's lying on the bed, looking to the other side.
Him: "We need to talk."
Her: "Unless it's about this weekend, forget it."
Him: "It's something very important."
She remains silent.
Him:"Let's split up."
(She did not believe her ears).
Him: "I got to know a girl and I’m leaving."
She's totally angry, and wanted to hit him. But she held it down, wanting to let him finish. But her eyes already felt wet.
Him: "She's a nice girl."
Her tears fell.
Him: "She has a good personality too."
(She's heartbroken because he wanted to leave and put some other girl close to his heart)
Him: "And she said that she likes me in my world of art & mysteries."
(She's very jealous because she said the same thing in the past).
Him: "She loves me truly."
(She wishes to sit up and scream at him "Don't I?")
Him: "So, I think she won't force me to do something that I don't want to do."
(She's thinking, but the rage won't subside).
He took his phone and said "Want to take a look at the photo I took for her?"
Her: "...!" She ignored and looks away.
He sighs. She cries. She pulls her hand back under the blanket. He turns off the light, and sleeps. She turns on the light, and sits up. He's asleep. She lost sleep. She regrets treating him the way she treated him.
She cried again, and thought about a lot of things. She wants to wake him up. She wants to have an intimate talk with him. She doesn't want to push him anymore. She stares at his phone. She wants to see how the girl looks.
She slips the phone and search for her picture. She wanted to cry and she wanted to laugh.
It's a nicely taken photo. A photo he took for her. She bends down, and kissed him on his cheek.
He smiled. He was just pretending to be asleep.
Long Hippo thought Cute Hippo learned that to love, not by finding a perfect person. But, by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
A n d t h e y l i v e h a p p i l y e v e r a f t e r .
(for now)
21.12.09
Indian Summer
I know love is one of the hardest words to say and one of the easiest to hear.
Well, I'm here to say that I'm not here to stay but I'm here to be with you in anyway.
I admire your strength and the way you understand things in your own way.
Free falling, I let you in because when you look into my eyes, you can see what's in my heart.
It was not my lips that you kissed but it was my soul dear.
Seldom, you said "Close your eyes and you'll know it".
Your utter, significant of everything I need to know.
...
...
Honestly, I simply adore your complexity.
20.12.09
Once an Ass, Alway an Ass.
Once an ass, always an ass, do not criticize me if you do not have the balls to spit it out to me face to face. Once an ass, always an ass. You're a loser, that's why you're pathetic little chicken legs. Once an ass, always an ass. You can't accept the facts I left because of one simple mistake made. Once an ass, always an ass. When you said you dislike me while you're reading my entries. You even talk to me. Once an ass, always an ass. An ass like you can't understand why I am talking to you because you're busy talking shits, assing people's life cause you've got nothing else interesting in your life. Once an ass, always an ass. I'm writing about an ass, pathetic little chicken legs. You shouldn't push your luck, asshole! Once an ass, always an ass. Thanks for giving me such great idea to write something shity in the morning. Seems like that's the best thing you did since I knew you. Once an ass, always an ass. You can never go far when you're always being an ass. So, this is for you. You have my sympathy. Once an ass, always an ass.
Sugar Just Isn't As Sweet As Me
I smiled, about you I was thinking.
Wish I knew what's in your mind Darling.
I miss you, you know that I do.
Can you please keep me in your hub, could you?
Spend a little time with me in your dreams.
The temptation gets high and our imaginations riot.
Night and day, I muse in vain.
With you with me, I am jubilant.
YouShouldReadTheFirstWordOfEveryLine.
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17.12.09
Goat's Milk
.
if you
wonder how
you make me feel,
i will try my best to let you
know how I feel when you're here ryte
by my side and in my heart is where you will be.
my soul is for you to touch and your love is all i can feel
even though we are apart or even if we are in the same room
making us look so invincible when people's around us,
it's just the thrill we live in, like an adventure we go
through every time when people's around us.
then when it's time for just us, you let me
feel so special, loved and beautiful.
so this time, i chose to show
you how you make
me feel when
i am with
you
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. N o w t e l l m e w h a t d o t h i n k w h e n u l o o k a t i t .
me, great comfort.
16.12.09
Cherry Blossom One
I am One.
Nothing but One.
Can you understand me?
One is to begin and One is for an end.
One who ends it all and One who started it all.
One to be the first and One who wants to be the last.
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Nothing but One.
Can you understand me?
One is to begin and One is for an end.
One who ends it all and One who started it all.
One to be the first and One who wants to be the last.
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One is desired by majority but only One is in desire individually.
One is full of possibilities and One only gives out opportunity.
One only has one heart, One soul & One chance.
Am I getting to you properly?
Unpredictable One.
I am One.
15.12.09
Sweet November
Dear You,
I'm dusting myself off.
I’m stabilizing my state of mind.
How childish one can be if one is not ready or fit for a challenge.
This is how I see it. My definition of love is a deep affection you have towards someone. Love brings a huge meaning in life. Love touches my soul; therefore my heart is nothing to be compared of nothing else but this. Such power it brings when someone touches your soul and it moves us. It brings us into another world that you, yourself never would have imagined nor understand. Love, it completes a puzzle. Love, it fulfils your needs. Love, it is never boastful. It is always about patience & kindness. It’s about passions, it is never jealous neither vain exist. Loving someone leads no room for such selfishness, offences and often ready to excuse their partner; to trust, to hope and to endure in whatever comes.
To know you is a great deal. It meant the world to me. But to know about you is something I wouldn’t do. I’ll let yourself in about you. Truthfully speaking, I open my heart so easily. But it was never easy for me to let anyone to simply touch my soul. I never said it was never been touched. I had been but it wasn’t easy; nearly impossible. But you, you came into my life and brought me a liberating breathe of clean air. I was caught by surprise. And yes, I just realised that you were special to me. Finally I feel a great feeling of fear in my guts. I just can’t explain how I am in baffle; not understanding what to do, what to think or what to say. All I know is I am in fear of losing this feeling.
This is complex. Correct me please, if I am wrong. You know the consequences. If we take it as a challenge, to where do it leads us to? Can you utter me in such confidence? Utter me crystal clear and let me be in security. This is too precious for me; I wouldn’t let it be gone to waste. I do not need a guarantee of success or perfections. Dear, there is nothing in imperfections when I’m with you. I’m so at ease. My movement are at south, just at a one point of direction in a two way street. We walk, taking one step at a time. You’ve always been the one who pulls my hand whenever I walk just a little too fast. So, this is a favour I need from you. Can you please keep it that way?
Countless time you told me that you are letting me to be in control of most things. Ironically, it set me on my seat. I realised, this is just your weird way in taking care of me. It’s just simply amazes me. Sure, it looks and sounded funny. Your ways with me, charmed me in that manner. It’s freaking me out to see myself not being in the driver seat. Instead, I am sitting next to you through this journey. What an adventure. Just simply breathe taking. But I am always in reminder of myself. A difference is what you crave. I do not see myself that way. Often (I guess) you are in these situation. Unlike me, this is my first time after years of broken strings.
I guess I’ve run out of words to say for now.
Hold me as long as you can, just as long as you want to. But if you want to let go, please leave me in a good manner. If you could lift me up, so please let me down nicely. I am asking this as vulnerable as I can be. A heart break would be too hurtful in that way, I guess.
I Do Love You
You know my name
All Fucked Up
Muka chantek, tapi angkuh. Bodoh, sombong!
Pakai otak lah! Pesal bodoh sangat?
Bongkak. Jahanam!
Sangat bodoh!
Bodoh!
Vulnerability
Love wandered inside
Stronger than you
Stronger than I
And now that it has begun
We cannot turn back
We can only turn into one
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I'm truly inspired
Finding my soul
There in your eyes
And you
Have opened my heart
And lifted me inside
By showing me yourself
Undisguised
And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I have inside
Whenever you call
by Mariah Carey & Brian McKnight.
read me
erghh....! I feel dumb. What did I get myself into? My fingers shiver. I can feel my heart's beating fast. Now I feel myself falling stupidly. Free falling. I feel like I'm gonna puke. I feel foolish. Fear's overcoming me. Phobic! Phobic!! Phobic!!! Stupid Faye. Childish! Rubbish!!! Oh God. I feel so stupid. So not cool. So...so...so not cool at all. Damn!! I feel like taking one step backwards. I think I've been poisoned. Shit head! Shaddup Faye. I feel like crying. Hell, say what you wanna say. Yes! I am a crybaby. Faybaby. Watever. Kill me now for nothing. Suddenly I just feel nothing at all. Told you, I can only be happy once, and then no more. I hate this. *Pfft*
14.12.09
stellar
Your presence gives me the rush. I can feel it in my veins. Blood red from pale white, I was rejuvenated. As fresh a lime green and the smell of the grass after rains, you brought peace into my soul. Shades of light, a glossy sheen and subtle wind swept away of undesired dust of the past. Your attentions, I’m pleased like cheese cake mellowed by yellow lemon juice. Never once I need the ash gray of tears spilling on a black day. No blacker days. No more stormy skies. Orange sunset divines the evening; it sets off into the ocean's blue. Forget not the green once believed as the colour of jealousy. I believe when love isn't true, never let in purple of obsessions to give in. I’d fly free like the white doves flying high in the azure sky above. Like milky rich chocolate brown sweetness, you are the sweetest sin I’ve ever tasted. Pretty in pink, my cheek blushes; I feel like cotton candy when you kiss my cheek. Dear you, you brought colours into my life; beautifying my worlds of every vivid images. A beautiful world consists of sunshine, after rains & divine colours of the rainbow. You made me feel so beautifully full, wonderful. Stellar.
13.12.09
Chocolates & Peanuts
Love is a liability.
To love is an ability.
To be in love is simply priceless.
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In dreams there are no impossibilities.
words of my vulnerability and deepest secrecy
12.12.09
Fayumie
Once, I had this one really good/close friend of mine. Her name is Umie. Such a krezi cute girl, yet a dearly darling of mine. We were classmates back then in Form 4. I remembered that first day when school started after the semester holiday. A friend told me that she has a friend which was in the same class with me. So, there we were being introduced to each other. I offered Umie to sit next to me, second row from the class room door. We clicked just instantly, and urbanised as bestfriends (Fayumie) by at the end of the week.
We shared secrets, joys and even punishes by the teachers. When I had a huge family issues, she was always there with me, for me. She gave me strength when I needed one. She gave me laughter in my tears. She's the best. I used to tell her that she was my moving diary, cause back then I wasn't into the internet much. Blogging wasn't my idea of writing my thoughts. So I had diaries. And everytime I finished my diary, she'll be the one who will keep it. I trust her with my life. Then when it was 2004, we were in our final year of high school. My family issues was getting up tied and worse. Umie was the only person I would talk to in school. I loved her like she's my own blood. Well, to me she still is.
After my engagement with my ex-fiance, Umie & I became loosen. She was involved in a serious relationship with her own boyfriend and I was busy with mine. Then I went to KL to further my studies, Umie was devastated. I was too, but at that time I was thinking of my future with my ex. So, it didn't bother me much. After 2 years been busy with my engaged life, my ex left me with no reason and I suddenly feel so lost. Umie was there for me, just for a brief of time. It was cool. Me and Umie had lotsa fun until I had to leave Miri for KL again. Duty calls, I was assign to run my mother's business in KL. And that was the last time, we had fun. KL grow in me just a little too much til Fayumie was fading away unnoticed. Umie was engaged already by that time. I wasn't in Miri when the ceremony took part. I felt terrible. But Umie didn't took it as a big deal. She's the coolest! I swear!
Couple years passed by and we met once again when I went back to Miri. That was about 2 years plus with only minimum catching up through the phone and Facebook. Things changed. And it wasn't little. It was more like a gap there between us. But still, we shared lotsa things. Just less interest. It made me miss the old times. I'm so sorry, I sound so selfish. You see, Umie was such a good friend. I miss her alot.
Recently, Apis and her just got married. And here I am. In KL. I was supposed to go back to attend her wedding. Instead of attending, I send her couple sms-es apologising and congratulationing her. How I wish I was there to lend a hand on her wedding and to tell her how stunning she looks on her big day. I'll cherish her forever.
Umie, if you're reading this. I wanna tell and remind you that, no matter how far we are and how less closeness we share right now, you will always be the best friend I ever had. Congrats on your wedding, may Allah blessed you and Apis with good will, fortunes and hapiness. You deserve nothing but the best. Thanks for everything.
"Sikda nok sehebat ko. Ko nyawaKu, Ko gengKu & Ko bestfriendKu. Aku sayang ko!"
fayumie forever.
11.12.09
Retard Raps : Buang Boring Yo!
One Two One Two,
I wanna tell you.
Shivering cold, I can't feel my fingers bro.
I'm speaking mindless soul, my brain's freezing yo.
Give me warmth, ya know I need hot Milo-O,
I'm freakingly tired, away to home I wanna go.
Being in a deep sleep, I will just go 'Ohhhhhhhh...'
Stupid boss wouldn't let me go,
Boy, he's got some great issues dowh!
I can't wait til end of the month yo,
Cause I wanna go 'Ho-Ho-Ho'.
With only days to come, I will go with the flow
To the hell you go
Cause I wanna go shopping yo!
So yeah, this is me rapping retardedly, I let my mind blow
Saje nak buang boring yo
Skang dah macam bongok dowh!!!
Peace!
Sigh In The AM.
I'm so all over the place. My mind is in bits and bits, my thoughts are attacking my brain from every corner and angles.
Stubborn Faye!
Why so stubborn?
Haih.
I also don't know why you are so stubborn.
You think you know almost everything. You feel that you could believe anything you want. You think you're that great.
Why Faye?
Why?!
My eyes rolling away. I sigh and lay myself; flate on my cheast. Gosh! I'm freaking exhausted. And I'm hungry. I can't sleep eventhough I'm damn sleepy. Rock me away! Anyone? No? Please? So, I sigh again. This time I close my eyes.
Why Faye?
Why so stubborn?
So so stuborn.
Why?!
*sigh*
9.12.09
Could I or Could I not?
I feel like I'm running trying to catch a broken string kite. Willingly, running against the wind; still trying to catch it.
Tonight, I and Ma had a mother to daughter conversation. She asked whether not I am capable of having a relationship. I said yes, but then she asked me once more. Could you? I knew she wasn’t being sarcastic nor underestimating her daughter. I mean, she’s my mother. Of course she knew better.
Tonight, I and Ma had a mother to daughter conversation. She asked whether not I am capable of having a relationship. I said yes, but then she asked me once more. Could you? I knew she wasn’t being sarcastic nor underestimating her daughter. I mean, she’s my mother. Of course she knew better.
So, yea... I can’t utter her properly. So I told her exactly what I need from my partner. I’d offer my honesty, my commitment, my respect, my trust and finally share intimacy. If a person could fulfil these 5 things that I could offer, I could keep one steady relationship once again. I made myself clear throughout my past relationships, a bold voice that I won’t tolerate with one way street of understanding.
I believe that love is a two way street; one to take, one to give and vice versa. I may not need you to tell me everything you do, I may not need you to have to lie to me just to keep me away from harm and I may not need you to love me like I’m your everything. I’d rather be someone to you than being everything. I’d rather hear the dreadful truth rather than you being caught red handed. And I’d rather not know everything about you because I’d feel better just knowing you. Such obsessions aren’t my idea neither of loving nor to love someone. Fulfil this and you get my commitment.
Honestly, I do not believe in loyalty but I do believe in being faithfulness. My dedications will hence a great respect and trust all at once. I’d give you all the free will you need as long as you’ll come back to me in one piece; without any torn or bruises. This is where it’ll hurt the most. And this is where I usually take leave. One only can stay, but never overwhelmed your welcome. So, mostly they didn’t manage to stay; being drowned in their own welcoming.
Many had told me to give out chances. Though the way I looked at it, I’ve given too many spaces for chances and opportunities. Still, none was taken. I guess, it’s such a great waste.
So now you know whether not I could keep one relationship steady.
8.12.09
Sweet Sweet Baby
You’re krezi. You’re sick. You’re sweet.
You’re just simply amazing!
I think you're kinda sweet. Like those chocolates I love. You taste similar like strawberry ice cream. The more I consume, the more I just gotta have it. Yummy! I just love the way you make me feel inside. There’s something about you. You have that ‘thing’ that makes me feel like lalalala. May it be small, may it be big. It’s just that thing you do to me that makes me feel high; at ease of everything.
A perfect Sunday just lying together, Monday won’t be as blue as it is and Tuesday comes unexpectedly. When Wednesday arrive, the night glitters at the dance floor. You’ll watch me dance from a far and how much I simply love your coolness around the crowd. Thurs knocks anxiously for Friday to come. Movie night, I covered my head with my green hoodie and cuddle with you. Damn! Your tender touch gives me the thirst of your sweetness. I want you even more. Midnight strikes, counts as Saturday. I stay away for a little. It’s like what they say, “Too much sugar is bad for you”. Sunday comes beautifully in the morning; we loaf away in our own world. Repeat this once more, a burst of colours; it creates a stunning rainbow with little black butterflies flying away freely.
Something you did, something you do, made me feel this way. When you’re around me, I feel like cotton candy. When I’m asleep, you are always present in anyway. When I am awake, you’ll be my morning ghost. Most of the time, you enjoy being a brother and an alien from planet Pluto. Your snore still gives me the giggles and when I think back, I know now why I hated you in those days. It’s just because I was trippin' into your heartful cereal bowl at a snail's pace! How cool is that? See, you still managed to make me smile even writing about us.
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we leave the world behind.
7.12.09
December Tale
She asked him whether not it's alright. He smiled.
Bluntly she replied, “That changes everything, from something to nothing”. She was in doubts of herself; overcome with fears she was little more disappointed. Though she has one belief; at the very core of her heart, she still wants to believe.
As she was lying there next to him, a question was voiced. He asked her about her fright and her worry. He looked in her eyes, offering a dear comfort towards her. Tears fell onto her cheek and he wonder in his mind. She’s too vulnerable to tell, weaken by her own fear.
She said, “I know you. But I don’t know anything about you”.
By then, he already knew why and what was she tearing about. Facts, she fell in love with his comfort. Facts, she fell in love with his understandings. Facts, she fell in love with him. Truth, she lied about something; she lied about her independency. Truth, she was lost until he breathe new life into hers. And this is exactly what she wanted to utter.
His comforting, lovingly heart kept her feel safe and sound. Truths were told and nothing was done. She found perfections in imperfections. Let it be and it will be.
And she finally realised, it changed everything; from nothing to something.
And we’ll start anew.
“Every beginning has an ending. An end starts a new beginning".
6.12.09
These Words.
I’d say those words, and mean it. I’d feel and say it like how I felt once; a long time ago. It aches at the core of my heart; I can feel my blood rushes in to my veins. I’m so worry of this. I’m so afraid right now. I am in phobia of my haunting nightmare. I lost my words at this very moment. I just can’t explain nor tell what I wanted to say. You are the reason I am writing this. I found you in a coincidence.
I imagine myself holding your hands and you’d take me in your warmth and comfort. You’re the definition of peacefulness and ease. I’d sleep in your arms, next to you; not having anything to worry about. I can set the world a side; I am away from all troubles and fears. With you, I’m over the moon. The sun shines brighter than ever.
Though, I realise that I am climbing a stares of uncertainties. Once again, I kept on reminding myself to take one step after another; shunning myself from falling on my face again. But you, you could be the reason I’ll cry myself to sleep. You could be hurt by me. You could leave me whenever you’re run out of affections. You could be the thousands of my worries. I don’t know.
But, I’d say those words anyway. I’ll mean it. I’ll feel when I say it. I will feel again. Just as long as you want me to.
5.12.09
The Cat Is Outta The Bag
What’s next?
Sure, you can say that I’m like a puzzle. Well, I’m sure I am one; with some pieces hidden. I hid them, somewhere. You can try to look for it, but better yet. I know you now. You won’t search for it. I thank you.
To move forward or to take a step backwards?
I just can't tell. I can't seem to understand it. I'd let you in, but I'm in fear. You're making me facing my greatest fear; the one that I can't seem to make myself able to face. I am paralyzed. Can’t you see that?
I wish I can share more with you. But I just can't. It’s too risky, even though for me to take. I can't afford to be vulnerable now. You're too precious for me to lose. But you've made me weak.
I wish I can share a deeper conversation with you. I wish I was a better listener. I wish I can let you hold me. I wish I can never make the wrong wish ever again.
Here’s the truth. I’m defenceless, exposed and too vulnerable for you.
So, what’s next?
...
Sure, you can say that I’m like a puzzle. Well, I’m sure I am one; with some pieces hidden. I hid them, somewhere. You can try to look for it, but better yet. I know you now. You won’t search for it. I thank you.
To move forward or to take a step backwards?
I just can't tell. I can't seem to understand it. I'd let you in, but I'm in fear. You're making me facing my greatest fear; the one that I can't seem to make myself able to face. I am paralyzed. Can’t you see that?
I wish I can share more with you. But I just can't. It’s too risky, even though for me to take. I can't afford to be vulnerable now. You're too precious for me to lose. But you've made me weak.
I wish I can share a deeper conversation with you. I wish I was a better listener. I wish I can let you hold me. I wish I can never make the wrong wish ever again.
Here’s the truth. I’m defenceless, exposed and too vulnerable for you.
So, what’s next?
...
2.12.09
Sunny.Side.Up
Damn, I'm feeling good. Damn, I'm feeling high.
Off my own supply of me.
Confidence is through the roof right now.
For the moment, "I'm happy".
I just got lifted, after being so down.
I just got lifted, through about it.
And I'm not worried.
I'm not pressed.
I'm cool.
But then, I see you and I think of us.
Maybe you do care,
mMybe you do think of me,
Maybe you do mean your honesty.
Do you think about me? Do you think about us? Do you think about this?
Maybe it's not over yet and then I get lifted.
And I'm lifted for the moment.
Then I thought about that rule. I thought about that saying.
Then I thought about that letters. I thought about that writings.
And I'm cool for the moment, for right now.
Getting bored of the game.
But I'm cool, I'm gonna wait.
For right now, I'm happy.
I'm happy.
1.12.09
Disappearing In A Mindless Affair
I felt like the symptoms starting all over again.
There was nothing I could do, other than to increase my dosage. Instead of one, ingesting two. That didn't seem to matter. The irritating aura surrounding me. My control, I must take into account. Raged and manically inhabited. Trying feverishly to maintain control, I lost it as fast as I wished it. Anger completely solely on patrol. Crying isn't going to help me. Nor are my silent pleaded out of my mouth. Severe reprecussions of my actions. Regret and sorrow leading me south. As far south as my feet can take me. Escaping this cruel mental shame. Leading me to another side of darkness.
A place where no one will remember my name.
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